I know whatever you guys said make sense. It's super sensible that I can't find enough reasons to deny. I do know that deep in my heart.

&still, I can't find enough reasons to not feel this way.

Somehow, I still feel pathetic &hopeless deep inside. i started feeling this way since months ago. I purposely bold "months ago" because I want to emphasize that to myself that whatever has happened, happened months ago. Months ago is long enough to forget.


I do want this opportunity. But does this exist in anyone's life? If this exist, it will undo anyone's mistakes so life will be perfectly happy. But then, if life is perfectly happy for us, it'll be boring, won't it? Life is just, bad. In a way.
I know it's time to move on, but I still can't. I daren't &don't want to move on. At first, I thought I've moved on. But at the same time, I've not moved on. So, the real truth is, I don't know what am I doing now. I am so lost in my own life. I don't know what am I supposed to do. Everything is in a mess. All I need now is a vacuum cleaner &other essential stuffs to rearrange &clean my life up.

I've been isolating myself from friends, &that has created a distance between us. I really, really don't know what am I doing. Yes of course I got closer to some. But still, whatever has happened created a distance. I am not happy about it, &at the same time, I'm not making an effort. Sometimes I am so tired about what is happening around me that I feel like jumping off the building &die so I can have fresh start with life, &I won't know what has happened before in my life. Wouldn't it be better? Call me a drama queen, but that's what in my head.

Ever since that has happened, I've become a super sensitive, emotional cry baby. If you just scold me for one small issue, I'll cry out loud for you. &now, when I cry, my eyes doesn't swell anymore. Maybe sometimes it does, but, I'm getting immune to the effects of crying [swelling of eyes, dry throat, etc].

I'm still living in denial, &I am not, going to tell why.


I'm really sorry for what I've done, &all I need is your forgiveness, &a last chance from you. It'll change my life completely, seriously.
I really want a fresh start. Where I don't know who I am anymore. I don't want to know what mistakes I've done, or whatever bullcrap that has ever happened to me. Maybe memory loss will help.