It's never easy to maintain a boy-girl relationship you know. When someone just broke up with his/her other 'partner', we can utter or mutter :  just move on, dude/dudette, there's other people to meet out there. Those words can come out from our own mouth easily like water flowing along a river. Think of it, were you in a relationship before? Have you ever gone through the same thing that the other person did? We can tell others to move on so easily but we can't do it by ourselves. Pathetic, I say. No matter how painful it is, we'll still wait for the one who hurt us so badly to come back to us. &again, do you think it's easy? So many of us out there never tell how painful it is, not because we want to keep it to ourselves, but it's because there's no words can be used to express the pain out from our heart. It's not easy to move on from being hurt. It's never easy to move on once you're betrayed. Oh yes, there're people who can move on so easily that they forget their hurtful past, which is good. I want to be like them. No, don't tell me I can be like them. Some fingers are long, some are short - we're different. Yes, I don't believe that everyone are equally smart.




The word move on hurts every part of me. The word breakup breaks my soul. The word others make me feel guilty - because of promises made. &again, promises are meant to be broken. I wonder, if promises are meant to be broken, why bother making them? If you, or anyone plans to not keep it, why bother making simple promises? I didn't force him to promise me, but he insisted on promising me on certain issues. I remember when I was in Form 3, I read a senior's Friendster profile. Her 'about me' was so true. She said, "I find it ridiculous when people at 15 are suffering because of love while people twice of their age are suffering over the same thing too." She was 15 when she wrote that. Believe me, I couldn't believe that was what she thought of boy-girl relationships at 15. Hmmmm.

Speaking of God, I've not been spending time with him recently. Well, for months. I miss talking to Him. I  miss doing devotions. Just because of some pathetic reasons, I daren't do devotions, or go to church anymore. Ah. Wait till I'm free. Wait till I can make decisions by myself. Just wait. Not doing devotions make me feel even more pathetic &helpless than anything.

Labels: God

I'm really scared. I feel so insecure that I'm not willing to let go. I feel like a kid for thinking that way. But, shouldn't I feel this way? I'm not prepared to face the world by myself. My dad has tried his best to guide me through this 17 years of life, almost 11 years of education, plus 3-4 years of early education. Ah. The fear.

Long story short, I don't want to leave school, yet.

Plus SPM is so blinkingly near that I don't have enough air to breathe. I'm not prepared. &I don't plan to be prepared. It's stressful. It's affecting my health darn it. I don't know whether I can make it through this time. SPM year is like a crucial year for all of us. Sigh. Pre-university studies year will be more crucial. It's going to determine our future too. &university years will be even more crucial than other education years we went for. That piece of paper will determine how much we can earn every month.

This is so stressful.



Oh God, help me so I can get A's.

Liling &I had heart-to-heart through phone today. Well, we have quite a lot of heart-to-hearts to be frank. I mean, having heart-to-hearts with her really wake me up from my dream. Which, I think it's quite good so I won't be living in denial. &uh, hopefully those help her too. I mean, we're friends. We'll be best of friends, of course. We might split up, because of the future, but, we'll never forget each other. Plus, we live a hundred footsteps away (plus lift) so yeah, we will be able to keep in touch easily, unless I move next year. I'm going to miss a friend like her because whenever I cry, she comes over just to calm me down &give me a hug to make me feel better. Awww. No, we don't bitch during heart-to-hearts. We talk about what we think about 1 specific topic, &we try to correct each other.




I spent RM80 at a magazine store today in PJ. I bought 7 dance magazines which would cost RM24 minimum at MPH. The last magazine I bought was about Rob Pattinson. I was hoping to find for a Taylor Lautner magazine to get hyped about at home but sadly, there's only Miley Cyrus &Rob Pattinson. Sigh. &heck, they're beautifully aneroxic. I mean it. I want to be like them - flat chested, skinny, boney, tall, good turn outs, everything that every ballerina needs.

No, I've not let go my dream to achieve Advance 2. I'm going to finish my whole ballet syllabus. Well, switching from ISTD to RAD might be a good thing =/ I can't cope with ISTD. My memory is...not that good, you know. I know I am not suitable to do ballet, because I keep on putting on weight, but, it's an achievement I must get before I'm old enough to have children.

It's all about self satisfaction.
I want to learn all kinds of performing arts - from ballet to latin to ballroom to tap to hip hop to cello to viola to violin to guitar. I want to learn everything. Greedy! Oh as for languages I want to learn Japanese, Korean, French, Italian, Spanish. Look at what I want to achieve for in life - it's so impossible. It's possible enough to dream, not to be accomplished. Is it me, or what, that I want so many things in life? I think I am greedy.

I will be like Subaru played by Meisa Kuroki in Dance Subaru! [: Yes, Corliss?




Because of what I want to achieve for in life, I've no plans to further my studies. Well, maybe studies for ballet? =/ NOTE: SELF SATISFACTION. No way I am going to be a principal dancer for a ballet company in the future. NO WAY. It's something not for me to dream about too. Jeeeez.

But still, my dad puts all his hope on me =/ Well, most of it. Stressful, yikes. I don't think I will do well in my tertiary studies anyway. Hmmm. Maybe because I am lazy.




I baked a cake for Liling's birthday last Saturday, with icing last Sunday.
I know it's not that nice but, it was my first try. No Tzejean, there's no milk in that cake. Or wait, there is? =/ I forgot. I followed exactly to the recipe I got from the book. Hah. The icing was meant to be hearder but I cut down on icing sugar because I know 10g of icing sugar equals to 50g of normal sugar. So yeh.

I hope Liling liked it, although she told me she does. She suspected that the cake I was baking was hers though xD Epic fail. Just because out of sudden she wanted to come over &I forgot to hide those baking stuffs =/ It's always like that when I want to prepare a surprise for her. I hope this 17th birthday will be a memorable one for you throughout your whole school life! [:




Actually, I'm not so sure about my relationship status. Hm. Make me clear.

Happy birthday, Amelia Chiew Li Ling!
You're 17 now, &yes, you can drive. &thanks for being my friend, &be there all the time I needed someone.
I won't forget you, neighbour/schoolmate/closefriend!


Good ol' times. This was taken during Coco Night, remember? &I name this photo as statue of leebirdy! I have no idea whether we had taken good formal pictures compared to this but I like this photo better than the others [;


Guess what, this was taken when we were not in good terms. Oh yes, we were 16! LOL. 4th last day in Form 4. That was, almost a year ago. Gosh. Now I feeling more heavy hearted.


Anyhow, I'll miss you! ^^

Guess what, it's confirmed that I am not leaving to anywhere next year. Yikes. The place that I planned to never go is where I am going - MCKL. I am beyond speechless. My dad said instead of going to NZ &spend RM70k, going to MCKL will save him RM50k. I need my forecast, IC &birth certificate copy to complete my enrolment. I am not really looking forward to it, but, looking at the bright side, it wouldn't be that bad, would it?

A-Levels, that's it. Taking 4 subjects, because my dad said 4 subjects will cover me better than taking 3 subjects, just in case I flunk 1 of it. Hah. Not going to Taylor's, because it's going to cost my dad about RM30k, just for the whole thing, which my dad said, "What for, when I am paying RM15k to MCKL. It's half of Taylor's. Waste of money. RM15k is a lot."

From today, the moment I submitted the form, until now, I'm still having the same reaction - Nooooooooooooo. That's all. I don't know what I should feel. Going to somewhere I never planned, again. &again, I have to remind myself - look at the bright side. &again, the evil Yuenmay is telling me not to go because of the old building, etc. But again, the angel Yuenmay said look at the bright side - it's cheap, &I can save RM15k.

My dad &I had a talk about what I'm going to do after SPM yesterday. We cut off SAM/Ausmat from the list because he heard that A-Levels is more recognized [finally, since he always thought that A-Levels is a waste of time]. &yesterday we were torn in between A-Levels &Foundation. During our visit to MCKL, he decided to send me there, which we initially thought of going to Taylor's first ._. Thanks to my screwed up suggestion to go to MCKL then to Taylor's. Since Edexcel &Cambridge are the same, just that their system is a little different, I chose to take Edexcel [it's because Edexcel sounds easier]. They have other 2 colleges offering A-Levels Edexcel - KDU &HELP. But my dad won't allow me to go to either KDU or HELP, so, yeah, MCKL it is.

&again, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. But last minute changes might happen.




So however, JiaXin, can you hear that? I'm not leaving. You can tell Miss Hiew that. I am going back to Jean Gan after SPM! Oh yes! I'm quite happy but I am not happy ._.; But still, I can go back to ballet. I am going join you for ballet again. Wheeeeee.




You know, I've decided, I will be happy with the decision. I'll not go nooooooo again. I'll be happy. Sigh. Am I the only one going to MCKL? Tsk. Or anyone from the gang going to MCKL? Anyone?




Off I am to take a short nap, then study.

It's so scary that things are coming to its end soon. We Form 5s will have our very first &last graduation day on the 5th of November. I'm so going to miss everything I had in secondary school. From Puteri, to WMS.

It was hard to get adapted to the school, &no, it's not the same if you transfer at 16. You may think the feeling of being transferred from 1 school to another is the same, but it's not. Or at least, it has a little difference. I'm not someone who can let go of things easily. &first, I don't know why I desperately wanted to leave Puteri. I dumped everything there &came to WMS. Ah, long story. Long story short, I'll miss my days in WMS, from being betrayed, to being accepted. I know people still dislike me for this &that, but it's okay.




SPM is less than a month. Not good. I am still trying my best to understand Physics. I don't like Electromagnetism, &anything to do with Electric topics. It drives me nuts =/ I'm also trying to get used to the facts from Biology, get used to the Trigonometry formulaes, understand how Saponification happens, memorize the 36 moral values, know how to do Earth as a Sphere, &memorize &understand &know what has happened about 50 donkey years ago.

It's not easy, but I'll try.




Love is something that you can't express into words. Agree?

Screw SPM.
Screw everything.
Darn it.

It's so weird when people are feeling down &I'm feeling okay, or, when people are feeling so happy &hyped up &I'm feeling down. Hmm, why is it like that?

I hope that my friends will feel good soon. I feel upset when they're feeling down. &I feel hopeless. Be it hi-bye friends, or close friends. I feel even more worst when my close friends are feeling down.'

Feel good soon!





There's hope to feel okay. Everything will be fine.

Dad never thought of sending me to UK for further education, until today when Teddy, from GEN Edu, told him about the fees structure, comparing London &Sydney. London is actually cheaper than Sydney ._. For real. I never thought London can be cheaper than Sydney. I mean, it's London! &I've always known that London is expensive. So now, instead of feeling more determined, we're more torn apart ._. &now, torn between NZ, UK &AU. Oh, we're screwed.

&now we're thinking of another alternative. Maybe taking A-Levels or AUSMAT in MCKL [hopefully it's not for real because I don't want to go to MCKL] then to the university in UK, NZ or AU. I'll need half a million minimum to complete my course. Be it UK, NZ or AU, I'll still need a minimum amount of half a million ringgit Malaysia.

I don't know why WMS is taking so much of time to give us our forecast. How long will it take to take our forecast now? I mean, every other school is already producing it. Every other school students have already applied. Why are they taking so much of time to do it? Is producing a forecast difficult?

"I just called a principal that I need a forecast for 1 of the students there &the principal just said, Okay, I can do it soon. You can come tomorrow to collect it." - Teddy, from GEN Edu.

I'm like so shocked. In WMS, we need to write letter to get it fast - which I don't think it's fast anyway. Ah. Why!?

I'm not rushing, but I've to rush. I got NS to avoid. Sigh, you lucky people who didn't get selected. So sad. You know, before we checked our names, I used to think that it'll be a small percentage for me to get selected for NS. Screw it. Jeeeeez. It's possible, I tell you. None of the 7s got selected. But I got selected. How sad can that be.






I'm considering commerce law, physiotherapy, psychology, nutrition &dietetics, &criminology.

But my dad said that criminology &commerce law will be a waste of time. He said I've spent 2 years of my life studying Science &it'll be a waste if I go to Arts. Ooooooh. Troublesome. When I suggested marine biology, engineering, food science &etc, he was against it too. Sigh.

I told my dad that I've made up my choice.

1st choice: Pharmacy
2nd choice: Dentistry
3rd choice: Medicine

My dad said, "why are your choices getting harder? I thought it's supposed to get easier?" Well, because I was crapping ._. Yeah, nonsense. I am not going to study Medicine, thanks. Dentistry? No thanks. I don't have the guts to face teeth everyday! So yes I am so torn apart. I've only decided on my 1st choice. 2nd &3rd choices, should be nutrition &dietetics, psychology, or physiotherapy. Really, I'm so torn that I can't even decide on my own for my future.






I'm going to have tuition classes from 8am to 11am everyday so I don't think I am going to school this week, unless they've release the forecast then I'll try to go to school, &that's if Liling can't take my forecast for me. There's nothing to do in school, &I don't really have the intention to sit in class. I'm so sorry best friend.

I felt bad for being away from class anyway, &for that, I got her a 10-in-1 Hello Kitty pen with a letter of apology. I know she likes Hello Kitty like me, so she'll be happy for getting a Hello Kitty pen! [;

You know, I am going to get an A1 A+ for Chemistry! I am, going to get it. As for Biology...I don't know. But for Chemistry, I'm going to get it! Add Maths, Maths, English. They're all going to be an A+. If I can get A+ for Biology &Physics, I'm going to die of happiness. If I can get A+ for BM, History &Moral, I'll drop dead on the spot. If I can get A+ for EST, I'll be happy. Getting an A is not easy, I guess. With my attitude, &horrible discipline at home, getting an A will be impossible. Ah. I should study already I guess.

"If you desperately want to get the A's, you'll desperately work for it." - Mrs Sam.

Ah, I miss her. I miss rushing her essay during class when she gave us less than an hour to finish a 300-400 essay during Form 3. I heard that she gives about an hour to complete a 700 words essay. I miss her classes. Sigh. I used to get sleepy during her class, you know. You can't blame me, it was a 2 hours per week class of pure BM. I could only stay awake everytime when she teaches interesting literature. My favorite was short stories, &poems. I can never understand BM prose, so screw it.






I guess I should sleep now, because it's 1215am already, &I've to wake up by 8am to prepare breakfast for myself &then, head off to class in my room. Oh Mr Kwan! It's going to be a 3 hell hours of Physics tomorrow.






Hmmm. He might come tomorrow [; Quite excited, &hopefully my dad will allow it. I miss him! It's been a week.






I'm glad that Liling likes the present I gave her. She screamed her lungs out when she received it today. It's an early present because I was excited! Hmm. I really hope that she likes it. I gave her a dog paperbag, a B5 frame, a 130 pieces puzzle with a picture of a Golden Retriever, animal paper clips, &a dog notebook [: They all have dogs in it, &that's why I got her them. I know she loves dogs. I wanted to get a toy poodle puzzle for her, but I guess she loves her Golden Retriever more, so, I decided to get her that Golden Retriever puzzle! [; &along the way, I got Zhengern her birthday gift too. I hope she likes it though. It's so scary buying presents for people because I'm really worried if they don't like it, or think it's too fancy, or think it's too cheap, or think it's too ugly, or things like that. I'm paranoid I admit.






Sometimes, I really want to be 180cm short &40kg light ._. It's so nice! &it'll be easy to dance ballet. It'll be super nice if I have that figure to dance ballet. Yikes. My love for ballet hasn't fade. I'm going to take up ballet again. Right, Queenie? Even when we're faraway from Jean Gan, we'll still take up ballet for our satisfy ourselves!

&speaking of which, I ate so many times today. I ate 4 piece of hotcakes this morning, followed by chicken porridge, hash brown, laksa, spaghetti &then hazel cheese cake. I think I'm going to turn into a piglet pig. But I couldn't control because I'm really hungry today.






Everyone's so stressed today. Is it me, or them? Or is it because I don't give a damn? Or is it because they care?

Screw me.






&again, I think I should stop here, because it's already 1227am!

Really, Candy &I are really good at ponteng-ing. Wanna learn how to ponteng? Find us, &we'll help you [:

Anyhow, I regretted for attending school today. Wasted 4 hours on lousy lecturers. First, the EST lecture was boring. Second, Miss Teng will be a better lecturer if she lectures us on Biology. Third, there was nothing to do in school, except catching up with Carl Mann, doing model papers, &other nonsense. Forth, it's boring, okay.

But it's okay. I'm going to drive to McDonald's at 10am tomorrow to buy hotcakes! [: I love hotcakes, you know. Hotcakes are yummy, with extra butter! You should try. It's only RM9, with hot Milo.

My best friend is so funny, you know. We talked about nonsense during those both boring lectures. We bullied XinYing, trying to find her bra.


I should study to get what I want. Ah. But I'm so worn out today ]:



Okay so the food goes from rumen to reticulum, then back to the mouth then to the omasum then the abomasum.
Madam, how does the food knows where to go?
Aiyah, that one you ask the cow.

\\ Zhuowei, Miss Teng.

Who said you can't blog when SPM's near? Who said that? You need rest, right!?

But anyhow, SPM is indeed near. It's going to be less than a month soon.

I've been skipping school frequently, &according to people I'm the ponteng queen of 5C, &Candy, is the ponteng queen of 5M. I mean, what is there to do in school anyway? If I go to school, I can't study at home because I'll be so worn out for the day. Blame 2-3 hours tuition, & 7-8 hours of school everyday. Some people can manage all of them in a day. But I can't.

I applied to Taylors College online already. &next, Taylor's Subang, MCKL, &maybe Sunway. Why being a local resident must attach so many documents to a form? Like MCKL, they want to have this &that, &I don't think it's good ._. For me, at least.

I want to apply to many colleges because, I don't know which to go, &in case I can't get into 1, I can go to another. Or wait, screw Sunway &MCKL. I'm only going to apply to both Taylors, &Taylor's. There's difference. Taylors is in Waterloo, Sydney, &Taylor's, is in Subang, KL. Or wait, is it Selangor?

Gah.

Anyway I better get going.

I should study, &grab the A's I want so I can study health science. Don't ask my why I want to study health science. It's because I don't know why.

I tried photoshop today, &guess what, I look flawless compared to my original photo.


Before


After

Never dream that I can play &learn photoshop unexpectedly within 5 minutes.

Oh you know, my family is going on a vegetarian diet for 10 days [annually], &I only found out about it today. Normally I'll know that they'll go on a vegetarian diet few days before they start it but this year, however, I just found out about it.

I'm going to die of eating weird vegetarian food everyday. I don't mind the vegetarian curry. But still, I don't want vegetarian food. I want meat. I love meat. I want chicken, pork, &beef. Sigh. I'm a meatarian.

Maybe I'll buy McDonalds on the way home [: So I can eat fried chicken for dinner, &look at my family eating vegetarian. Vegetarian food is not really sufficient. I don't know why. I get hungry easily if I go on a vegetarian diet. But food was okay today, because they had cabbage thingy as a dish. I love cabbage.

&yes anyway, I should go now. I've EST &Biology talk tomorrow, &yes, I am going to school! Like Candy, we go to school if there's a talk but if there's no talk, I don't think you can spot our footsteps [; Today Sejarah talk was okay I guess. The lecturer spoke too fast &because of that, I became sleepy. I became sleepy because when he speaks fast, I can't catch up, &when I can't catch up, I tend to ignore, &when I tend to ignore, everything's screwed. So, I tried to catch up with him &I managed to catch up a little.

I went back to Puteri yesterday [: &that's why I skipped school. Dang. Not a wise thing to do.

But anyhow, I went back &actually studied Chemistry with them in Mr Loh's class. Once I stepped into the Chemistry lab [excuse it, it's not as good as WMS's xD] the conversation goes like this:

Are you sure I can go in?
Yes.
SURE?
Yes.
*Mr Loh walks out from the lab assistant's room*
JASMINE! Mr Loh is here. HOW!?
Don't worry. You can be here.
*looks at me* Who are you? Where are you from?
Errr. *whispers*Jasmine...!*/whispers*
Teacher, can she be here? Ex-student, &she's the same age.
Mm [indicating yes]
Phewww. GOSH MAN.

\\ Jasmine, Mr Loh, &I.

&guess what, I actually did his work ._. But while doing Chemistry, I was waiting for my papers to be photostated from the photostat shop. When it was about 12-ish, almost 12.30, Jasmine asked me to go to the photostat shop &she'll follow me. We went there, &it was almost done &yeah, that lady said some stuff:

Whoa Jasmine Kok huh, your marks very high. Your parents sure very happy.
YESYESYES!
*speechless*
No wonder you want to photostat her papers.
YESS!
*SPEECHLESS*

\\ Jasmine, that lady &I.

&once it was done, I waited for her to tell me how much it'll cost.

Guess what made my heart skipped a beat?

Okay ah girl, 605 -
*looks at Jasmine with that pale look*
Copies.
OH SHIT. *laughs*
OMG, you're so funny man. Where got people pay RM600+ for photostat? Your expression was so funny.
How would I know? OMGG. How much is it?
Okay, it's RM60 all together, after a few ringgit discount.
HOLY. OMGGG. Hahahaha, I thought I'll have to rob in order to pay.
You're a real donki. I was laughing like crap when I saw your expression. Gosh man.
*continues laughing at my ownself*

// Jasmine, that lady &I.

When we went for break, Jasmine didn't allow me to buy the yucky noodles they sold to students. She really forbidded me from buying those noodles. I liked the taste, despite the fact that they are oily, &yucky looking.

Then in the end I bought some crab stick, &my favorite fried sausage stuffed bread [:

It was surprising that I didn't crave for more food. I never thought that eating them both can be so full, or maybe, enough. I thought I'll crave for more food as I eat a lot. I miss the food, &that bread. Jasmine said she wouldn't. But I liked the taste!




&today, I went to Mid Valley, &watched Surrogates. Surrogates was okay I think. I like this kind of show anyway. It's nice! [:

It's about people being at home, &have beautiful, sexy people to be their surrogate, to work, etc. No matter how old you are, you'll look like 20ish when you go out there, it's controlled by one kind of machine, &you can die if your surrogate gets some virus or something like that. &once the inventor of surrogates Dr Canter sent the virus to all the surrogates to kill them, whoa, the city was full of falling surrogates! &they have some dude called as Tom or something, to stop the virus from killing the operator. Because once the virus is sent, both the surrogate &operator will die. They dropped down to the ground just like that. Scary. &then everyone came out to see their surrogate. Quite interesting though. You must watch to judge it.



Anyway, I spent more than RM400 yesterday &today. I'm so screwed. &I got my Hello Kitty rubbish bin already [: &10-in-1 Hello Kitty pen. &quite a lot [:

Come to think of it, time is running out for us.

Really. Although we may be young, but time is running out. We don't know how much of time we have left.

Touch wood.

I think I know why I did unexpectedly okay - since I got 50% for Chemistry.

I'm always awake when it comes to Chemistry tuition &when my tutor wants to guide me with Physics, my eyes will start telling me that they wanna close for the day. Gosh. I'm serious that it happens everytime when it comes to Physics. I had Chemistry today - because he decided to teach me Chemistry &yes, this is what I can conclude.

How about all of you who take Physics &Chemistry? I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way.

I really like Chemistry. I'm okay with Phsyics, &I like Biology too. But I prefer Chemistry. Maybe because I always failed Chemistry. Hmm. But I like Biology too. I know nut-thing about Physics so, maybe that's why I pushed it away. I don't think I can ever understand Physics but I'll try. I want A's for all 3 of my Science subjects.

Sound very impossible for me but I'll try. You know what's funny? It's funny when I passed both my Physics &Biology last term but I failed both of them this time. But then, I passed Chemistry this time [: But yeah, failed last term. What's wrong with me?

Hmm.

We had some MCKL representatives in school today, to talk about what courses they offer &all. Most of them [I mean Wesleyans] got brainwashed. That's what they all claimed about. But I didn't get brainwashed. I wonder why. I mean, I've already know that they have really good &worthy scholarships. &I've already know that private Methodist school students will get a minor discount. I know all that. When I got to know all of them, I had second thought to study in MCKL. But then, it was last year when I had that thought :D So yes, I've no intention to study in MCKL &yeah, their offers are really convincing. I mean, which college will give you FULL scholarship if you get 10A1's? Or, at least 50% when you get 8-9A's? Which, you tell me? I got some scholarship bursaries &I don't think it suit well with me. With my kind of results, I really don't think so.

I should stick to Pukekohe High [: I really want to take NCEA Level 3. &get 80 credits, for Level 3, &60 credits for Level 2 in a year. That will be my goal next year. I will be waiting. Or maybe I'll be going to Sydney University for foundation studies. Ah. It's like we're getting older &older &we're not getting younger.

Why did I screw up my Biology? Miss Teng doesn't want to help. Hopefully Mr Chin is considering about it, because I really wanted a credit. I mean, my goals are all credits, just to get through. For SPM, I want A's. It doesn't matter whether A1, or A2. At least A's. If they're all A1's, I don't mind [: Biology &History, lower aim than the others because they're both memorizing subjects &I'm not good at memorizing, so, yeah, if I aim A1's for the rest, this will be A2. Hopefully I'll reach my goal.

My new goal of the year: 8A1's, 2A2's. If I can get all A1's, I'll be grateful [:

I'm quite satisfied for my Chemistry &because of that, it doesn't matter whether I failed Biology. But, I really need the credits, when I think further. Passing Chemistry is like the time for me to celebrate. But when I was so happy getting 50% for Chemistry, everyone was so upset &whining over their 60+% for their Chemistry &they wanted more. It's weird. I have different goals than most of them. It's really weird. Don't get me wrong, but, I want good achievements. I know I am not working hard enough, but still, it's a minor achievement. Quote Yuehan, "Put small goals, achieve small goals, celebrate, then repeat again." [: That was quite inspiring when I first heard it. He can be really mature in thinking. It's so Yuehan.

You know, the whole "About Me" thing doesn't make any sense. It's getting senseless by the day. I used to type so much about myself up there, including my good &bad. But, in fact, how much do I know about myself? Some people can write so much, &some people can only write a word about themselves. Hmm.

If I were to write about this "About Me" thing, I'll be saying about all my good side. But will they see them? Some of them might think it's one of my flaws. It's a, one's point of view, you know. It's really weird.

Or, maybe when I type all good things about myself, &then, on the other hand, what about my flaws? What will they think of me when they discover my flaws. They'll be thinking that I'm a big fat liar. Hmmmm.

Never mind. I'm just being bored, as usual. The usual Yuen May.

I should be studying instead of thinking crap.

Anyway, goodbye world [:

I wonder how many reads my blog, because I just changed my link.

The school computer is super laggy I tell you. The stupid space key is really hard to press on.

Why am I talking about the school computer, you ask. It's because, I'm in school now! :D

With my best friend beside me updating her blog, typing about her maid, Rocky [I prefer calling her dog Husky though], Mamma Mia, &Bak Kut Teh. Check her blog &you'll know what I mean [:

We talked about Dancing Queen - ABBA yesterday, &we changed the lyrics baby.

You'll like it.

You are the dancing slave, old &sour, only seventy.

That's a line of it because we only changed that. Changing lyrics require a lot of thinking, okay.

Talking about trial results, I passed Chemistry! You know, CHEMISTRY. But Physics &Biology, ah. Not gonna think about it. I did quite unexpectedly bad for Modern Math. I've never gotten so low &guess what, my Add Math is actually better than my Modern Math. Boahhh. &for BM, En Rahim thought we cheated. Ah, long story short, it's because her last paper &my papers got tied together by some idiot, who doesn't read name. (My papers were scattered all over &I don't know why.) I did quite unexpectedly bad for my core subjects but oh well, screw it.

I wasted 2 long hours for the boring Physics talk yesterday, &I might waste another 2 long hours for the Add Math talk later, if it's going to be boring. I like the BM P2 talk though. That lecturer was good. At least, she kept me awake. &I might skip school this Friday. Dang. To get papers back from Jane. &only to realize yesterday after confirming this Friday's plan, I've Chemistry talk. I'm now torn in between.

Crap.

P/S: Raymond Lam is my husband. Bosco Wong, Taylor Lautner, Orlando Bloom, &a few others are my kaigalou(s). They're so sexy can!?

Dear diary,

Maybe some things aren't meant to be. Maybe some things are meant to be for a certain duration. Maybe some things are meant to be that way. Maybe some things really will have the same ending. Maybe, I'm wrong.

I've so many things to say, &yet nothing is out from my mouth. I daren't say anything because I know when I spill them out, on blogs, on Facebook notes, to anyone, it might start a drama right before SPM. I'm really scared of dramas. Dramas are scary, yes?

SPM is about 40+ days away, &I still don't have the ooooohm! to study. I really don't know what am I up to. I want to runaway from school. I want to runaway from books. I want to runaway from my own thoughts. I want to runaway from everything I have. I want to dump all of them for a moment, &take a break. Somehow, I don't know how.

Being unwell, isn't that good afterall. Some people may think that being unwell will be good. Pros &cons. Being normal for 17 years isn't that good anyway. When something comes up, it's creepy. You'll feel like ending it as soon as possible. Sometimes, you don't even want to receive treatment. You don't want to live, especially if you are under pressure, or you're troubled.

School is tomorrow &guess what, I've not started any homework. I look so prepared to get screwed up by teachers, especially Miss Teng since I was absent from her classes last week. I wanted to go, but I really didn't have that energy to get up from my bed. I was coughing like crap, &dang, it was dreadful.

I texted Madam Hema, telling her that I was unable to do her work. I planned to do it last week, so, I guess epic failed. I fell sick at the wrong time. Yikes. I think I should try doing Miss Teng's work tonight, so I can get away from her freaky voice tone.

All in all, I guess I am just tired, &bored at the same time.

I told my dad I want to study in New Zealand next year, &he doesn't really like the idea from the time I brought this up. [He didn't mind at first because he thought it's for some twinning programme until I told him for pre-university studies.] I really want to go there because I want to have a fresh start in life, &maybe, I can forget whatever has happened in the past that affected me so much. Don't get me wrong, I do love my dad. I will miss him a lot even if I leave at anytime. But still, if I don't do well for my SPM, I can do well for my pre-university studies. That's all I want. Maybe it's because I think I'll not do well for SPM already. Isn't it obvious, from the results? I'm not complaining. The thing is, I care &don't care at the same time. Like I said, I don't know what matters to me. I really don't.

Liling, on the other hand, tried to wake me up the other day when I expressed. She got so upset over it. [I'm sorry, Liling.] The thing is, I am aware of what is wrong with me. I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Wait, it's getting more senseless. I should get back to the right track in life, but, I'm lost. I don't know where am I. I feel like I'm lack of energy to do anything right now. I am trying to put something up, to get me working. I just don't know what to put up. Putting myself up isn't making any difference. I mean, why do I need to get something for myself? I just want to earn enough money to support myself, with some extras to give my dad in future. I don't need to earn RM1xx, xxx in order to live. I just want something that's enough. My dad is putting all his hope on me. Maybe that's why I'm still studying.

&after typing this post out on blogger.com for 45 minutes, I'm still blur.

Maybe this blurness in me can be seen through dance.

If there's anything can be done, I'll be happy.

Labels: Dear Diary

2 earthquakes happened within 24 hours, &quite a lot of them didn't feel it. Yikes. Ignorance, maybe. I felt the first one &I didn't feel the second one because, I don't know why. When the first one happened, my unit shook &my dad said, "go down now."

I went down, &found out that, it stopped. Yikes. Well, I think it was still shaking but I didn't feel it. Lower grounds normally has not much effect.

It freaked me out at first &I thank God we're safe.

I think the earthquakes cause the internet to be sucky now. It's lagging &I don't like it when it's lagging. HAH.

&now I am sick. Fever, cough, flu, sore throat. Why must this happen to me when I am going to a Raya open house this Saturday in Melaka? WHY!? This is so sad. Seriously.

I think I am going to cancel my tuitions tomorrow too. Sorry teachers. I am really sick. Yes, I know, I can sit here to blog but not have tuitions tomorrow.

I need rest. Seriously. It's because of the recent stress that made it worst. When am I going to feel better?

SPM is taking all the time away from me to blog, shop, everything. So unfair. I don't like this now. I've changed my mind, I don't want to go to Pukekohe. I want to go to somewhere else.

This is so uncool.

I am waiting till SPM to be gone so I can attend school prom, &enjoy myself for a short while &sleeeeep. I can't wait to sleep &laze around.

Eli's right. He was too clingy. Hmmmm.

Guess I should go. 44 days to SPM. Darn.

I should really start studying.