It was
195 days till the day when i first entered school for the whole new term in school.
Now, i've less than 10 days till the day. Time passes really fast, with my slacking sessions. I've slacked for more than 2 years, and i regretted so. I wished i studied since
Year 7 Form 1.
Or even if i dont study, i wish i have Jasmine's spongy brains. Her brains are so super.I can still remember when it was
100 days till the day. Jasmine reminded me and i shouted saying, "Can you not remind me!?" and she smiled widely. Well i actually didn't care much though. I can still slack happily when there's 100 days left till the day, when i'll have to sit for the papers that will choose the path towards my future and the journey of my life. If i dont do well, maybe i'll be a leaf-sweeper by the roadside. No, i am not talking nonsense as Jasmine likes to say that i am a doggie who likes to talk nonsense a lot.
When it was like about
1 month till the day, i was a bit alert and i started to study a little bit more harder. So far, for now, my best record was just finishing 2 workbooks in a day, and i dont think that's good enough. Jasmine, can finish a few in a day i suppose. I think so as she can finish reading textbook in a day, when i can only finish it in 2 days. I am twice slower than her. She's a bullet train in Japan and i am just the normal train where they just send some petroleum or maybe
bijih timah to other area.
I know that some people would think that i am complaining that i am stupid. To be honest, thats what i feel about myself and i am not complaining. Its up to you to think that i am complaining or no. Jasmine, Jane and Ethel, on the other hand, keep on motivating me to study harder so i can achieve my dreams. The reason why i am studying is because of them. Without them, i will not know what i am suppose to do. Because of them, i still
laugh,
live and
love.
Yes, i can not deny that i feel that i am stupid. I felt like stopping school and not go to school anymore because wherever i see or look, everyone seems to be way smarter than me. I feel stupid when i look at people. I am afraid to see them. I'll get nervous and i'll start crying. Is that what everyone want to see from me? I suppose not. People would think that i am some kind of idiot who cries like a baby. No one knows how i feel, so, just dont judge like that, when you dont even know the truth.
I cried for a few weeks due to how i felt about myself. I cried every morning when i know its time for me to go to school. Jasmine slapped me on my face because i was emo during the day in school. Jane pinched me on my cheeks for the same reason. Thats when i knew that i have reason to go to school. I have good people to see in school, not others.
Getting 7A's is a hard task for me to complete. I know my ability. I know myself more than anyone else (yeah right. Jasmine's gonna say who knows me more. Yes i know, you know me more than i know myself). I want 7A's to succeed in academics. I am not that good at academics. I know i wont get 7A's, but i still want to try. Some people built the self confidence in me and i have to thank them for that. At least, for now, i have a bit of self confidence. Or else, i wouldn't be typing this post now. Instead, i would be crying and my tears would be more than a gallen then.
I cried, when they have this intensive classes. I felt more stupid when i remained in Zeta where else others went to Omega and Theta. Jane, Jasmine Lee, Salini and a few more of my classmates went to Theta. Vino went to Omega. To me, in my eyes, that proved how stupid i am in academics. From then, i know i will never excel in academics.
Life is that hard to me when it comes to academics. In fact, i don't even have any talents in anything, or even the mere ability to score for exams. Personally, i don't find there's any difference in my results. I compared the results when i studied and not. There's isn't any muc difference, to be honest. Maybe i am fated to be that stupid. Once more, i am not complaining. I am just letting go on how i feel.
Even in class nowadays, i have this motive to study harder than ever to get straight B's. I don't expect to get 7A's, because i am stupid. I learnt a lot during this hard period. First, i will have to my friends who were there when i needed them. Second, i would wanna thank to the teachers who guided me through this hard phase like Puan Marsianah, and other teachers. Third, i will not forget to thank to all the ones who hated me like crap. If it wouldn't because of all of you, i will not be who i am today.
I argued. I loved. I hated. I disliked. I liked. I fought. I did many things during this year, when i am supposed to be studying for the day. I did a lot of unnecessary things this year. Why did i do them at first? It was because i didn't realize that time is flying fast. Now, i realized everything and i should study from January. I did have the intention to study from January. I did study in January. But that deed didn't last for long.
That lasted for like a day or two. That is my fault. My fault for slacking and thinking that the day is still faraway from that time. I was wrong. Very wrong. To the juniors, i meant younger than me, i hope that all of you don't do what i am doing now. If you're desperate for the A's, you should cover up your
Year 7 Form 1 and
Year 8 Form 2 syllabus by the end of your
Year 8 Form 2 term. You can revise and look through that syllabus during the November - December break. You'll have ample of time to revise.
If i don't get any A's, i
deserve to get them because i started my revision late.
Very late. I started my revision in July. Starting from July will not help at all, unless you are willing to study from 4am till 1am. Then you'll have the same amount of time if you start studying from January. I wonder why i like to slack. I think it's because that i am lazy enough to not study.
I realized my mistake, but it is too late to return and fix it back. Maybe by studying from January will help me to get a minimum of 1A. I can't change the fact that i am
very stupid, too. I am serious about thinking that i am stupid. Its because of what my uncle told me. Since then, i believe in "Because i am stupid, i deserve to die." And its because of how i did for my exams after studying. I am stupid, nonetheless.
Before i started revising, i dislike studying. Well, not that much but i didn't like it. Since i started revising in July, i have this funny sort of interest in studying. Studying is not that boring anyway.
Now, i have another target. I will try to do some constant study for SPM starting from next year. I have second thoughts of going into science stream again. At first, i chose to get into science stream. But due to my stupidity, i chose to get into arts stream. I can't afford to get a D7 for any subjects for SPM. I thought science is that hard. Well, it wouldn't be that hard, if i study extra harder like Jasmine Kok. I don't wish to go for any tuition classes next year as i am quite afraid to face the society.
I've learnt my lesson. I don't wish to repeat this mistake anymore. Studying a few months before the exam is not an appropriate thing to do for anyone who'll be sitting for a public exam.
Anyway, sorry for this post. I just don't know where to let it go.
Before i forget, i have to tell this to Jasmine and Jane - don't worry, i will try not to be emo and cry anymore, okay?
I love you guys! Both of you are the best!P/S: I'll not be blogging till the 5th of October after this. Seriously, for now. I wanna finish up my time by studying this week as i chose to relax today. I am too tired to do anything. Best of luck to all Form 3's.
Labels: Depression
