damn jon's elbow.
seriously.
i'm positive that his elbow made my jaws hurt.
i can't even talk, laugh, OR EVEN EAT PROPERLY.
it hurts.
well, he hit somewhere around my face, and probably he hit one of the nerves that is connected to the jaws, and there you go - goodbye my painless jaws.
let's hope my jaws will get better soon.

Labels: Complains, Dear Diary, in pain, jaws

let me be emo for this part;

it hurts so much whenever i try talking to you. when i'm in the objective of ignoring your presence, you showed up again. can't you feel how hurt i am because of you? i know, i'm not your type and all. but do you have to do that to me? i tried every way to get close to you. but it hurts everytime i try because of you. and whenever i feel unwell because of you, i'll have to tell myself, "he's not yours", and slap myself because i always get out of line when i think of you. you'll never know how i feel anyway...

guess i'll still have to live in denial to get over you.
i'll hold on, and will never shed the rest of my remaining tears for you.
"i can't cry it out anymore...maybe because i'm immune to it?"
the reason behind is you. i'm not blaming you for whatever happened to me.

enough of being emo.


anyway i don't know what to blog though.
i had so much about what to blog just now, and the ideas just *poof* like that.

miahaha.

i'm so looking forward to cf camp (:


i wanted to go for the mckl treasure hunt, but god knows why does it falls on the day when i'm not available. gosh.

i shall go for amazing race organized by leo club then.

breathes in, breathes out.

Labels: Depression

i know it is indeed rare for me to blog during the weekdays when school's still on everyday from monday to friday, piling our homework up to the ceiling.
but i just feel like blogging.
i've so much to pour out, but i don't dare.
i used to be daring enough to pour my feelings (escpecially my rant) out easily. but now, i've to think at least 10 times whether to pour it out into my blog.
because people betray the trust i gave them until i don't even dare to tell them how i feel about something. i gave them warning about it, and they still want to read it without me forcing them, and then bitch talk about it. it gets on my nerves, you know?


i think i know how you feel. obviously most probably i won't know how you feel because, i'm not you. i might not be right, but its just a thought. &i think its a feeling of confusion, love, care, and many other types of emotions. wanting them to know and not know how you feel sincerely about them, hurts. at the same time, you want them to feel the same way how you are feeling for them. when you realize that its probably not going to happen, you'll feel like breaking down even more. be strong. don't let your tears run down your cheeks. save it for something else. obviously you can't help it but to cry your pain out, so, try as hard as possible to hold it back.

(i know we're not close, but, as a friend, i should do something. even if i fail to, i'll still try. i'm sorry if it's not as what's going on to you right now.)


Have some alcohol, to forget your pain.
Not.
anyway, i shall leave blogger.com and go back to microsoft office to finish up my malay oral script and add maths distribution table.

goodnight, people (:

Labels: Depression, Rants, Thoughts

i don't feel good, like really. my head's heavy now, and i have some signals telling me that i'm going to fall sick, again. guess i'm really weak. i did some blood test about a year ago, and it states that i have 0% of antibodies in me.


i just asked my dad about the cf camp. he has yet to give me the answer. i've to ask him again soon.

i really, really want to go, although i know that i will feel left out, and lonely. it's not for any particular reason except because i want to join them, since last year.


projects are piling up, and i'm getting more stressed than usual. gosh.

who knows how to do add maths, ict and morale?

sometimes i wonder why do we need it.

and i wonder why did i even bother to help. my bad. i shan't regret.

quote Xiaoyun, "you sometime amaze me, because you look so blissful in your happy world."

aw!

how did i build my happy world?

i don't know.

i don't know whether i look happy, or sad, or neutral. because, i think i am feelingless.


this is my happy world!
i'm restricting myself from over eating.

you don't want to know how much i eat everyday! i over eat, and in the end, grow sideways. i want to grow upwards, like the beanstalk! but too bad.

i can put on maximum 1kg per day. you may think that i'm bullshitting, but really, i'm not. i tried it once, and i freaked out myself too.

that happened when i over ate the day before. but then, after the food got digested in my stomach, i'll lose weight again. and it goes on everyday, without fail. like a cycle.

well, it's a cycle!


i like complaining like a little kid. i don't know why, but, yes. it annoys people, but, i can't help it.

but there are some things that i don't complain about, and it's still in my heart. i don't dare to let it out, in case of...things? i don't know. but i just don't want people to know.

because it hurts. sometimes complaining doesn't help you solve your problems.


nowadays, i'm always on asianfanatics.net forum to read people's problems, and give them suggestions to help them out. besides helping them out, i help myself out too.

some of the problems are similar to mine, so, i can get a clue on how to solve it.

because of them, i don't regret, or feel sad letting him go. he always get on my nerves by throwing tantrums at me, or showing me his effin (whoops!) attitude.


i want to shop online! but! their sizes don't suit me ):

why must their bust line be so small? why must mine be big? gosh i dislike this. hmph.

i don't care anymore. i will have plastic surgery when i have the money!

you know, i feel upset whenever i remember that my size is actually a size smaller, and i've to wear a size or 2 size bigger because of my bustline? it hurts me so much. i don't know why girls want theirs to be bigger. eg; my own kawan baik, Yap Carl Mann.

bigger bustline = less shopping = sad.

):

i shall not elaborate on this.


seriously, i don't know when am i going to start studying for the term exams.

speaking about SPM, i'm not even touching my books yet! i am completely clueless about F4 work now. and when i fail, i'll complain. and it's my fault for not studying. dang.

can i die? ._.

=.=; @ me.


Mamma mia, here I go again!


I'll build my own confidence again. My promise to You. If I fall again, I'll wake up and try again. I will not stop trying and cry.


So true.

Labels: Miscellaneous, Thoughts

for the earlier post, i'm keeping it as a draft. realizing that it may offend anyone, i think i should keep it as a draft. my apologies to those who read the post earlier on and got offended.

i was being the same old unreasonable and immature self.

forgive me.

Labels: Apologies

i don't get it.
why must we pay more than a hundred bucks for SPM? its not like we want to take it.
just because we're in a private school, that doesn't mean we should pay for it. dang.
we're still studying the malaysian syllabus. which includes EST, and Moral.
isn't that enough?
first of all, we don't even need EST or Moral in the future.
waste of time.



i'm feeling rather down too. but i shall cheer myself up with ferrero rocher! fattening, i know, but, still yummy. or my freshly baked caramel pudding.

don't talk bad about my bakeries. i can bake okay! (:
just kidding. you have not tried my bakeries anyway.
i just want my dad to enjoy it.
and he actually does (:
i am going to try to cook soon! (:

i just realized something. if i am not in the mood for anything and i still want to bake, the whole thing will suit the rubbish bin. i have prove. i baked 2 weeks ago, and the whole thing turned out to be...terrible, worst than my first time.




but i am afraid if my first dish will be black! or too sweet, or too salty.
should i try cooking?
hmm =/

i should!
no harm, right?



i shall shoo now. goodnight people (:

Labels: Random, Rants, Thoughts

we had enoch fernando yesterday to play a few piano pieces.

quote carl mann, "GOSH, i told my sister that a HOT AMERICAN WHITE GUY is coming to sing, but who knows...never mind T_T;"

i wonder who said it's going to be a hot american white guy? carl mann, carl mann. too much of dreamlands yeah?

bad! carl mann loves fantasies, i tell you.

quote phin jeck and chee yan, "are you a christian?"

i was so...shocked =/

9/10 people thinks i'm a christian, and they said its because i look like one. (thank you thank you!) the thing is, i'm not one, YET. oh yes i plan to be one (:

i want to go for the cf camp this year! (oh daddeh pwhease, let meh goh for teh camph!) i really want to go ):



i played tug-of-war for the first time today, and shot putt for the second time 2 days ago in my whole 17 years of life. i was some kind of a kelefeh like what ian said today. i'm a female, and i don't have the strength to really pull like a male. but i did pull ok! i used all my energy, until the last match...my team lost =/ but it's not really our fault anyway, because the lower secondary have more people than upper secondary.

as for shot putt...i was just trying out, because i know i have absolute zero talent in sports, so i didn't really hope for anything. anything as in...to be the representative for red house. it was for the fun of it, and to runaway from marching. at least i tried. i regret for not joining or train myself since young. i'm too old for anything. primary school is already gone forever, and, secondary school is coming to its end soon. i'm going to miss secondary school, especially my times in wms. the experiences here in wms is much more 'expensive' than my previous ones. good and bad. i appreciate them all. and will never forget them. thanks people (: i heart you guys for them. without them, i won't know how to face them in the future.



i actually had more to blog about. my deep thoughts, you know? but i keep on forgetting them. oh yes like what i have said before, i have short term memory loss! (:

anyway, when i remember what i wanted to blog about, or when i have something to blog about, i'll update again! (: be right back hons.

Labels: Christian, Enoch Fernando, Friends, School

i don't know why this is happening to me. the only one who knows is Him.


Miss Hiew, i promise that i will go back there next year. you will guide me throughout the rest of the grades i'll be taking in the future.

i went back to Jean Gan Connaught Branch today to collect my results slip.

when i walked up the stairs, tears started to run down my cheek. i miss ballet so much. i miss Miss Hiew's pms-es when i screw up something.

i went to Studio B, where my previous classes used to be, and waited for Jia Xin. i then saw Beverly and we waved at each other like nutcases. then after for awhile, Miss Hiew knocked the glass window, asking me to go in. she asked, "why didn't you come in and take your cert?"

my reason was, "i'm waiting for Jia Xin."

then she told me things about Jia Xin, which i don't want to say it out here.

anyway, Loh Jia Xin, i'll be right here, supporting you! don't ever give up. i have faith in you. you can do it. i know you can.



He knows why i can pass ._.

i am freaking serious. i thought i will fail when i took the exam, because i do so badly everytime. i can still remember the time i stepped into the exam room. i was sweating, because i thought i will fail. and yet, i still boost a little of my confidence, to make sure i pass. i don't want to waste my dad's money! the stupid exam costed more than a 300 bucks malaysian.

and oh, i passed by 2 marks! (:





blame Miss Heather Fish. she's the strictest examiner i've ever met.

i only got 4 out of 10 points for pointe, and batterie. why must ISTD syllabus be so hard?

i swear, that i will never take ISTD ever again. i'm switching into RAD when i restart ballet next year. i am so going to take Intermediate, and pass it!

oh by the way, i'm 1 of the lucky 2 who passed.

God loves me, and He loves you too (:

Labels: Ballet

today is valentine's &we wms-ians had to wake up early for the run this morning =/
i was about to whine when i had to wake up to go to the lake garden dang.

after the whole run, we went to the playground since carl mann wanted to spend time with say loong (since it's valentine's and which girlfriend who wouldn't want to spend time with their boyfriend? speaking of which, i have a lot of things to black mail carl mann hee) then, we went to lot 10. to have brunch, and i had to be there to take my uniform.

and guess what? i called leon. i don't know how that idea popped out anyway. then he appeared, and ki yip kept on telling leon that he pities him.

i don't know what was in ki yip's mind though.

oh! &i saw eileen and her boyfriend in sg wang too, when i was running away from leon, because i got mad at him.



i feel like sleeping now, but i want to waste my time in front of the monitor. gosh this sucks now. i haven't finish madam stanley's work and...i think i'm waiting for her to take my lunch away.

touch wood.

Labels: Saturday morning

ballentine's a type of whisky (:
no, i don't drink whisky.



i think it's weird that i've the urge to blog today. normally i'll feel lazy, or thinking that playing delicious 2 is a better way to rot my time away. actually, i do have a reason why to blog. talking about thoughts ):



i really, don't know how people can be so irresponsible. i lent her my cheongsam since november last year because i sympathised her and didn't want her to get in trouble, and now, she gave me a long granny story. this sucks in a way, and i can't do anything! guess what happens whenever she sees me or passes 5C? she runs away! this is getting on my nerves. she didn't dare to tell me the reason why she can't return my cheongsam back to me for more than a month, until today - this morning. i was so mad, that i couldn't even utter a word out! this is what i get, after my dad spent more than a hundred bucks buying that cheongsam for me, and me, just because i didn't want her to get in trouble, and helped her by lending her my cheongsam. and we aren't close at all. we just know that we exist in wesley methodist school. we did not even have a proper conversation too. we don't even say hi!

gosh.
irresponsible, no? it's not even hers!



have you all started studying for the first term yet? i've not started! at all. when i did the physics test today, i realized that 50% playing 50% paying attention is not good enough. i think i'll fail physics because i forgot to revise for physics test today. and i didn't have a clue on what mr chin was saying about waves (but i am pretty sure that he was talkin' about transerve waves and longitudinal waves) during physics lessons anyway. no, i'm not that smart (: my progress sheet says it all. thinking about the first term freaks me out. i think i'll have more red marks than before. but! i shall think positively. yes yes yes?

anyway, is any of you taking the IELTS or TOEFL exam? i'm seriously blur right now =/



i've a feeling that most of us are feeling emoish nowadays. so many things are happening to us, and i've a positive feeling about this. things will be fine. and all you need to give in is time. (yes, tick-tock-tick-tock) give in time, and don't think that it's the end of the world. you have a lot of things to do, and never think to give up. hold on, and never let your hope go, unless it is really a dead hope.

and this is for you guys who are emoing away. just to let you guys know...no matter how not-close we are (xiaoyun!),



i like playing wii!
i can finally play cooking mama on wii! (: how cool is that!? i've been waiting to play cooking mama.
now i've finally said that chocolates are fattening =/ and i really love it. i'm making myself troublesome now. gosh. i used to eat lots of chocolates, especially dark ones. Lindt is yummy. oh-kay, i said chocolates are fattening and i'm still talking about chocolates.
mama! (see, i told you i like playing cooking mama on wii)


torn between two perfect person is the worse thing can happen. it hurts a lot. it needs a lot to courage to dare to say, dare to ask, dare to declare that you do.



oh you know, i actually answered a few of madam premila's questions correctly! (:

but that doesn't mean i study. hah.

i'm proud of my short-term memory yo! and i'm not embarrassed to admit that i love my short-term memory.

yes, you got it right in your head. what a lie. no one likes short-term memory. but sometimes...short-term memory is good. you get to forget some stuffs. if you're lucky, you will get to forget some sad stuffs. like i did. i get to forget one or two, and eventually i'll remember it later. shucks. hmm =/



oh.

happy valentine's day!

Labels: Depression, greetings, Random, Rants, School

stressed again.
heck, i feel like going somewhere else &relax.
exam's coming up soon, &i'm not prepared! guess i'm going to fail =/

i'm feeling sleepy now *yawns*



i've been slacking you know. i've so many incompleted homework. it's really sad. i feel like finishing it right now, but i am still lazing around.



i nearly cried a few times at school today, because there's things going on right now. i'm not involved in this matter, but, when i see her cry, i feel like crying, but i have to hold back, because i know, crying will not solve this matter. i'm still thinking for a way out from her problems for her. i know there will be one. let's pray so that everything will be fine.

o, i've a lot of blog about suddenly =/ but i don't know how to put them into words.

&there's something i would want to keep it to myself too.




i wonder when am i leaving. hm...


Just so you know, pictures between paragraphs separates my miscellaneous thoughts in mind. That goes to every post in my blog. I use pictures instead of dots, hyphens or underscores.

Labels: Depression