People thinks I broke off with Leon for Calvin. For fuck's sake. Really, I do not like Calvin. Okay. Fine. I admit. I DID like him, but I don't. Why can't people just get straight to my answer instead of thinking that I like him and that is why I decided to end my relationship with Leon? I do not think it is worth at all. Is it hard to know that I do not like Calvin?

Leon...he loves me a lot. I know that very well. I have my very own reason why I want to end things with him. It is not because I do not like him. To be honest, and I do not want to lie anyone nr mself, I do love him. I LOVE HIM A LOT. I feel sad, and I do not think there's anyone could recover me from this heart break. I love him a lot...I'm serious. I thought I could face this, but...in the end, I think I'm naive and dumb. Worst than dumb. I'm a moron. I love him and why would I want to do this? I do not know why myself.

I'm finally back to the emo phase again. I'm back to how I felt after I broke off with Edmen unwillingly. I'm feeling them all again. I do not know when can all these emo thing stop permanently. I do not feel myself anymore. I think a cut by a knife is more unhurtful than a heart break. It's like...now...I can't face the fact that I'm leaving him. I thought I could face this whole situation well. I thought I do not like him anymore. My thoughts are wrong. Now, people are more happier than me. Or no? I guess there are people who are facing some more emo phases than me right now.

There's people, who thinks that I will go for other guy in a few months time. I'm seriously, not interested in other guys. Hann Lam thinks I will. I won't. Even if I'm hooked up again, it'll be Leon. I guess...he'll like another girl by that time. Falling in love cause a lot of conficts, or I should say, liking a person for this age. Or maybe crush. It depends on individual. I'm just feeling curious, why my dad don't like Leon? Is it because of what Uncle Sulaiman told my dad? Or other reasons? What Leon did to my dad? What Leon did to Uncle Sulaiman? That I might not know. It's between them, not me. It's my life, I can do whatever I want. It's myself, who fell for Leon. No one did it. I'm the one, who actually confessed my feelings to Leon indirectly. He, the smart ass, who caught what I meant in less than an hour.



How I wish for that, as much as I wish to meet Lee Wan in person, so that no problems would exist now. It's fate, that make us know each other and brought us together for more than a year and finally, we're officially singles. I'm the one who asked for it. It's my fault. I want to die. Not to die, but just die. I do not know what to do anymore. I wish nothing happened from the beginning. I wish I did not though of taking him to replace Edmen. Or, maybe I should not get together with Edmen in March 2005. Then, from that time, I may be single from then till now.

I feel really sad and happy at the same time. It's really hard to go on like this, feeling sad and happy. I feel like drinking beer. I feel like I wanna be drunk forever. Or, just sleep forever and never wake up. Is that possible for me? Swallowing more than a dozen of sleeping pills, or Panadol pills. Any overdose pills will do. I just feel like doing so, so I will not feel any pain, or depression.

I need comforts. I need someone to comfort me. I feel like crying again. Cry, that is all I can do now. I cry, everytime when I think about it. I cried, once, during the school's assessment a couple of days ago. I will not show my depression during lessons. I need 7A's. I really need 7A's.

I do not know what to do anymore. Can anyone help me?

Other than crying, I can only watch Heaven's Tree. Thank goodness, the assessment are over for now. The next one to care for is the Mid-Year Examination. I bet, that I won't get A's. I'm too weak in studies. And I do not know how am I going to concentrate revising after this. I need a minimum amount of 5A's to get a new phone since my phone is more than a year old too.

Leon did make me cry. He made me cry for months. I hate him for that. No matter how much I try to hate him, I cannot do so. I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not know what I did wrong in my last life until I have to face nonsense-unnecessary conflicts this life.

Really, if Leon is not going to be mine, I wish I did not fall for him. Leon and I, put a lot of our effort inside to make our relationship bloom. We tried to stick to each other, so we wouldn't fall off our relationship. We wanted to stay in our relationship bubble, till we die. But I doubt it'll happen. It'll never happen...

Thanks to my dad, who disapproves our relationship and my mother, who disapproves our FRIENDSHIP. If God really here, like what the Christians believe so much, God is supposed to be wise and fair, right? WHY DO GOD WANT TO MAKE HUMANS LIFE AS HELL? Even *God* put humans' life as hell, put lah, I do not care, but not from this wise. I can't face it, okay?

I admit that I am weak, okay? I'm vey naive. People do take advantage on me. Good lah. That is why, nowadays, I make myself more annoying, bomb people by emailing or talking. If anything offend me, whether it's innocent or not, I'll still bomb it. I do not care anymore. I do not want to care for anything except PMR.

I feel like breaking down. I do not want to face life anymore... I am stupid. I am too stupid to be here. I can't even score Maths. I can't even get an A for English. People are not talking to me for good. It's because I am stupid, dumb, SUPER annoying and naive. I wish I have Jasmine's brains. She's smart enough to handle things. I wish I do not exist.

I wish my family is like yours. *cries again*

Labels: Depression