Dear diary,

Maybe some things aren't meant to be. Maybe some things are meant to be for a certain duration. Maybe some things are meant to be that way. Maybe some things really will have the same ending. Maybe, I'm wrong.

I've so many things to say, &yet nothing is out from my mouth. I daren't say anything because I know when I spill them out, on blogs, on Facebook notes, to anyone, it might start a drama right before SPM. I'm really scared of dramas. Dramas are scary, yes?

SPM is about 40+ days away, &I still don't have the ooooohm! to study. I really don't know what am I up to. I want to runaway from school. I want to runaway from books. I want to runaway from my own thoughts. I want to runaway from everything I have. I want to dump all of them for a moment, &take a break. Somehow, I don't know how.

Being unwell, isn't that good afterall. Some people may think that being unwell will be good. Pros &cons. Being normal for 17 years isn't that good anyway. When something comes up, it's creepy. You'll feel like ending it as soon as possible. Sometimes, you don't even want to receive treatment. You don't want to live, especially if you are under pressure, or you're troubled.

School is tomorrow &guess what, I've not started any homework. I look so prepared to get screwed up by teachers, especially Miss Teng since I was absent from her classes last week. I wanted to go, but I really didn't have that energy to get up from my bed. I was coughing like crap, &dang, it was dreadful.

I texted Madam Hema, telling her that I was unable to do her work. I planned to do it last week, so, I guess epic failed. I fell sick at the wrong time. Yikes. I think I should try doing Miss Teng's work tonight, so I can get away from her freaky voice tone.

All in all, I guess I am just tired, &bored at the same time.

I told my dad I want to study in New Zealand next year, &he doesn't really like the idea from the time I brought this up. [He didn't mind at first because he thought it's for some twinning programme until I told him for pre-university studies.] I really want to go there because I want to have a fresh start in life, &maybe, I can forget whatever has happened in the past that affected me so much. Don't get me wrong, I do love my dad. I will miss him a lot even if I leave at anytime. But still, if I don't do well for my SPM, I can do well for my pre-university studies. That's all I want. Maybe it's because I think I'll not do well for SPM already. Isn't it obvious, from the results? I'm not complaining. The thing is, I care &don't care at the same time. Like I said, I don't know what matters to me. I really don't.

Liling, on the other hand, tried to wake me up the other day when I expressed. She got so upset over it. [I'm sorry, Liling.] The thing is, I am aware of what is wrong with me. I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Wait, it's getting more senseless. I should get back to the right track in life, but, I'm lost. I don't know where am I. I feel like I'm lack of energy to do anything right now. I am trying to put something up, to get me working. I just don't know what to put up. Putting myself up isn't making any difference. I mean, why do I need to get something for myself? I just want to earn enough money to support myself, with some extras to give my dad in future. I don't need to earn RM1xx, xxx in order to live. I just want something that's enough. My dad is putting all his hope on me. Maybe that's why I'm still studying.

&after typing this post out on blogger.com for 45 minutes, I'm still blur.

Maybe this blurness in me can be seen through dance.

If there's anything can be done, I'll be happy.

Labels: Dear Diary